Dear Reader:

I live in my head A LOT.   This blog facilitates that quite a bit lately.   And, of course, this is not necessarily a bad thing.   Some of my earliest memories were of my favorite time of day - when I was told to go to bed and would lay in my bed spinning day dreams and imagining myself in all sorts of scenarios in which I would never actually be involved.   I went through a real Isis/WonderWoman phase, for sure, but there were other more mundane types of activities that I would do in my head, pretending to be a grown up.   I loved that time of day when I could hear activities going on in the house but when I was alone in my room and able to imagine myself doing anything I could dream up.  I actually looked forward to going to bed (!).   I also love to be out alone and anonymous in a crowd or at a concert or a restaurant.  I adore traveling alone - especially in foreign countries.  I think a lot of this came from being a reader from an early age. There was really nothing I liked more than losing myself in a book.   I still feel that way - now, I've incorporated movies and TV as well.   I never thought that escapism was a bad thing.   And, a lot of times it isn't.   But, sometimes it is.   If you never leave your comfort zone.

For instance, I can develop a crush on someone and spin a whole relationship out of thin air.   It's really quite a talent, if you ask me.  But, of course, when I break up with my crush, there is the small matter that he never realized that we were going out...  (Ha.)   And, frankly, I think I feel as disappointed when a relationship in my head doesn't work out as when an actual, real, live, breathing relationship doesn't work out.    And, sometimes, these relationships in my head actually get in the way of me developing the courage to try real, live, breathing relationships.  I may actually blame all of this on Jane Austen and Shakespeare.   Reading their works in high school for the first time just got me too enamored of the fictional relationships between smart, articulate, emotionally perceptive people. OK, I forgive them.   Because, folks, seriously.   It's Austen and Shakespeare.

Anyway, there is a point to this rambling.  Because I think I've developed a sense of self that relies primarily on my inner emotional and intellectual life (which is RIDICULOUSLY RICH, I think we can all agree) and not quite enough on my actual physical body.  Hence the surprise when I see myself in the mirror and experience the cognitive dissonance between what I feel like inside and what I look like on the outside.   And, maybe, the disappointment lies not so much with what I'm seeing but with what I imagine I should see, given the vibrant and exciting life in my head?   This is not news to anyone, I'm sure.   Too many women strive to achieve some sort of ideal that is not based in reality.   But, for me, it's more that I'm trying to achieve some amorphous embodiment of my emotional/intellectual self, rather than just experience who I am in this body.   So, I'm spending some time and will continue to spend some time trying to really look at myself and feel myself in this body.   And, I'm going to note the things that I like and examine what I don't like without any judgment on myself for feeling that I don't like it....   Rather, I'm going to try and ask myself why I don't like it.   Anyway, to emphasize the positive, I have decided today that I like a couple of things about myself, physically:  my feet - not too big, not too small - an elegant arch - and the way in which my eyes can appear to change color with different shades of grey, blue, and green.   There.  I just said that I like two things about my body.   Huh.

So back to the mundane...I got past my "wanting to eat everything in sight" phase yesterday and did rather well today:

Calories consumed:  1788
Calories burned:  175 (treadmill - 30 minutes)

And, today was day 21 of this journey.  The point at which one is supposed to reach in order to have created a habit.   I will say this.  I do feel better about my eating habits than I have in a long time.  I rarely eat past feeling "satisfied" and I'm not eating out of boredom or stress very much any more.   That's big.

Tomorrow's another long day:  8am meeting, lessons from 9:30-11, class from 11-12, physical trainer appointment (yay!) from 1-2, shuttling kids to and from dance class 3:00-5:30....but, Thanksgiving break is almost upon us.... I am planning to focus on reading for pleasure and exercising rather than food during this holiday - I'll need some good vibes!

Thanks for reading.