Dear Reader:

I have lots of thoughts tonight which will probably make me either want to jam them all into this blog post or completely ignore them until I can process more.   Or maybe somewhere in the middle.  Let's hope for that.

Today was an interesting day:  a church choir rehearsal (special:  preparation for Christmas program...), the farmer's market for a few minutes, a brief lunch in town, and back to the house to play outside with the kids for a while, clean up for a while, and head over to my neighbor's house for a cocktail party in honor of the regional symphony.   There were lots of people there and lots of food.

Here is a scene of the luminaries leading from my yard (where some folks parked) to my neighbor's yard:

What I really wanted to do was stay out here in this unbelievably gorgeous scene with a glass of wine for an hour or two with one or two good friends or, frankly, by myself.  And, there we have the dilemma of the introvert.  For the record, I do believe that people can exhibit both introvert and extrovert tendencies in different situations - it is a continuum and not a list of qualities, but it has always been quite clear to me that I feel extraordinarily uncomfortable in large crowds of people.  I am probably THE WORST PERSON EVER at small talk.  Really, it's like watching a train wreck.  I much prefer passionate, engaged conversation with one other person whom I trust and respect about IMPORTANT THINGS.   And, apparently, long one-sided conversations on the internet for all to see.   I do see the irony here.  More on that later.

So, I tend to get a plate of food and graze and look extremely uncomfortable while I hover in the hallway and desperately attach myself to anyone who is a friend, etc.   Notice how I brought the food into this?   So, here was the spread at my neighbor's party (yes, I have neighbors/friends who belong in an issue of Southern Living and/or Better Homes and Gardens - sometimes, I just go over to their house and bask in the beauty of their well-appointed home and whisper "pretty, pretty" under my breath - they have gotten used to it. They've stopped calling the police. Ha.):

Here's what I ate:

Not bad, right?   Yeah, I feel pretty good about it.   I did talk to a few people and didn't embarrass myself, but I did stay in the hallway by myself a lot.   All in all, it was rather successful for me.   My instinct would have been to numb my anxieties about social interaction with more food.   But, I think I fought that successfully in this case.

So, my stats are:

Calories consumed:  1452

Calories burned: 0 (I thought about doing the treadmill and pushing this post even later, but I feel like it was more important for me to do some thinking tonight and get to sleep at a more reasonable hour)

But, here's the deal.  I watched a TED talk that someone posted on Facebook tonight about the effects of technology on our lives and the concept of "being alone, but connected" and it really unsettled me. And made me think about my blog and about my engagement with Facebook and about how I have used food and, maybe technology, as a way to numb my anxieties about the messiness of life and the pain of vulnerability.   I still think this blog is good for me right now.  I'm really trying to be myself on this blog and create a space where I can express the good, the bad, and the ugly.  But, I realize that I am constructing a narrative in which I have the ultimate control over who I appear to be to you, dear reader, that maybe leaves out the "boring bits" as the TED talk points out.   I do value real face-to-face interaction with human beings, but sometimes that hurts because who knows where those conversations will go.  Right?   So, in addition to blogging and FB-ing, I am going to try and increase my quotient of IMPORTANT actual conversations with people that I trust.  And, I'm going to occasionally shut off my computer and phone.  And, maybe try to get to know people that I'm not as close with a bit better - but not through social media.  I'm going to leave you with this video of the TED talk that made me feel uncomfortable, made me cry (twice!), and ultimately, got me to thinking this evening.  And, I'm going to process this over the next few days.

http://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together.html

Thanks for reading.